fmh62 wrote:First off - how on earth did you manage to keep up a 5yr long distance relationship with only seeing each other about 3 times a year - to me that's not a relationship that's likely to work - it's a friendship.
Yes fmh62, LDRs are not for everyone, and it sounds like you agree.
But, thousands of couples whose loved ones are in the military, work for multi-national companies, not to mention those whose partners are pursuing educational degree programs cross-country or abroad many that take several years to complete manage to do it everyday -- and very often, quite successfully.
I doubt most of them consider their relationships just "friendships" -- nor, in a "perfect world" would they choose to be separated from their SO's by time and space, but that's the hand they were dealt, so they "hang in there" and make the best of it, just as most couples do, if they believe what they have with another is worth it, waiting on and/or fighting for...
fmh62 wrote:You sound like you constantly quiz him about his actions and whereabouts - I'm surprised it took this long for him to get fed up with it.
Nope, not "constantly," fmh62, but perhaps it seems that way to you. My post wasn't about all the fun, joyous, caring, happy, loving and wonderful times we shared -- which was one of the reasons why we were "friends" for five years.
fmh62 wrote:This wedding (and it was a wedding whether they had a separate civil ceremony and then a blessing afterwards - which we considered) sounds like it was a couple of years ago (from your 6 months hear and there) - just drop it - it's not worth discussing or arguing about anymore.
Yes, fmh62, you're right -- it did occur a year-and-a-half ago, and IT IS high time the whole issue *was* put to rest. That's why I posted my question in the first place -- to get some clarity and closure -- and others who responded kindly provided that for which I am grateful.
fmh62 wrote: If neither of you are/were prepared to move to give the relationship a chance I would say just cut your ties and move on - possibly should have done this a couple of years ago to be honest.
fmh62, perhaps you're at a stage where you haven't yet acquired many of the obligations that usually come along during the course of one's life. Like it or not, the older you get, you can't always "just do" what you want, no matter how much you want it or wish it would be.
Children aren't pieces of baggage that can be shuffled from one platform to the next. Elderly or ill family members can't just be dumped at the curb.
Both my BF and I have obligations and responsibilities WE COULD HAVE walked away from so we could revel in our own happiness RIGHT NOW, but that's not the kind of people were are -- nor the kind of person either of us wanted to spend the rest of our lives with.
We knew from the get-go that it was going to be a long road before we'd be able to have what we wanted. But, we knew that when we did, "we would have done the right thing" by seeing through our respective responsibilities and putting the needs of others who depended on us, first.
fmh62 wrote:How can he 'show' you how much he loves you if he is living >3000 miles away.
The same way *any* SO does. By being truthful, respectful, considerate, caring, loyal, trustworthy or just about any adjective common to relationships of any kind you would like the insert.
When you give your word, you keep it. When you make plans or promises, you follow through. When one of you is down, the other is there to help you get back up. When you fight, you "fight fair" and you make sure no one ever goes to bed angry. You remember important dates, celebrate special times, and make new memories. Do I need to go on?
Doesn't matter whether your SO is sitting right next to you or half-way around the globe, if his/her actions don't match their words, saying "I love you" a thousand times is rarely enough, not to mention, it just doesn't ring true.
fmh62 wrote:And this is not an insult or directed at you personally but Americans have an idealised/naive view of things at times and I am thinking there is some of that here - and before anyone jumps at me I have lived in the US, have plenty of friends and direct family over there so have first hand experience of this.
I won't take it personally, but I can't speak for my American friends.
fmh62 wrote:Also I have been in a long distance relationship within Europe and they just aren't worth the - where is he now, who is he with now that goes on in your head............it's not healthy.
No, it's not -- nor is any relationship where the two people involved aren't equally committed to each other and "doing what it takes."
Some "traditional" relationships work out and some don't -- just like LDRs.
I'm sorry your long-distance experience was so anxiety-ridden for you. If nothing else, it sounds like you've learned you're much more comfortable having your SO within sight. Fair play and good luck, to you!