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Wedding or Blessing? Please Help Me!

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IMAEEJIT Posts: 20
Been a member and frequent poster here for about three years -- but need to go anon for this as I have caused myself enough trouble already, and am hoping you girls might be able to help. :duh: BF is Irish and I am not. BF's brother was getting married in Ireland and BF asked me if I would like to come to the wedding which was about 7-8 months away at the time. Wedding month was getting close and I asked BF what was going on with the wedding plans. BF said he wasn't sure the wedding was on or not (mostly due to financial issues) -- and that BF's brother and FSIL were talking about possibly just getting married abroad and sparing the expense. Six months after wedding was supposed to take place, I asked BF what happened. He said that he thought brother and SIL had gotten married on holiday (same trip I believe was planned as their original honeymoon) as brother came back from holiday wearing a wedding ring which he had not been wearing before. Problem is, about six months later after that, SIL added me as a friend on her FB page. Several of her friends had posted links to photo albums from her "wedding" -- or at least what looked like a wedding to me -- bride in long wedding gown, H2B and men in bridal party in tuxes, flower girl, bridesmaids, "ceremony" inside of the church, priest, wedding guests, formal family portraits, etc. I asked BF why he didn't tell me bro/SIL had gotten married in Ireland as planned -- he said they didn't; they had "a blessing" there. I was upset that he didn't tell me, he was upset that I doubted his word. Long story short, this whole issue has gotten so blown out of proportion that two weeks ago he decided to end things between us "as it's clear that I don't trust him." Needless to say, I am devastated as we have been together for five years, and he was the love of my life. But what's worse, I am now wondering whether the hurt/doubt that led to "the end" was all my fault. As I said, I'm not Irish -- and I now realize I may have flown off the handle when I shouldn't have as "blessing ceremonies" that I am familiar with don't usually include all the "accoutrements." If you're wondering why I just don't ask SIL directly what happened with her wedding plans -- BF already thinks the only reason why I connected with her is to "prove" he wasn't telling me the truth. That's not the case, but there's no reasoning with him on this issue anymore -- he's that angry with me. So, I need your help, girls... What I need to know is... What is the difference between an Irish wedding and "blessing?" Does what I described above sound like "a blessing" that would be held in Ireland? I know this probably all sounds like a silly problem and question to many of you, but it's not to me, as it's driving me mental. Please help! TIA, and yes... IAMEEJIT O:|
GreenerPastures Posts: 7284
I'm not 100%... Are they legally married now? My cousin had a Humanist service but had to get married 1st for it to be legal (she had a civil srevice 1st). These blessings are to show people their love but not necessarily legally binding or recognised by the State. Either way maybe your BF was bound to secrecy about it. My hubbies parents just went off and got married on the quiet. They only asked two witnesses to be there and didn't even tell their parents. No one knew til after and even then they didn't make a big announcement, they just kind of told people as and when they bumped into them. I wouldn't take it personally, eventhough I'm sure that's hard. Just talk to your BF. He probably feels like he's piggy in the middle, trying to respect the couples wishes and include you.
JDD Posts: 1316
Quite often people get married abroad with a civil ceremony and come back to Ireland to have a party to celebrate. This party can quite often be combined with a church blessing for a variety of reasons. One person might be religious and the other not, so as a compromise they do the church blessing rather then the entire formal wedding mass. Or, one set of parents could be quite annoyed that their child didn't get married in a church, so to keep them quiet a blessing is arranged. A blessing also keeps the whole day less formal, and in that way they don't have to have the sit down meal nor do they have to invite all the people that they may have had to invite if they were having the full traditional wedding. I guess this might be the reason for your BF's brother and his wife. Sometimes, the reason can be just that the bride wants to wear her wedding dress to the party, and that looks a bit odd unless there's a reason to wear the dress, and so a blessing gives that excuse. Usually, and I'm just saying usually, the blessing doesn't involve bridesmaids and flower girls and tuxes etc. Though I've heard it happen in one case, where the bride wanted the church and the groom wanted a civil ceremony, so he compromised on a blessing and she just went ahead and organised the whole shebang, just without the signing of the register. Given the pictures that you saw, I'd wonder whether they ever did get married abroad, this looks like everything the wedding would have been. They may have gone abroad for the civil ceremony, but I wouldn't see the point if they were going to come home and do the full wedding. I'm not sure how you'd find out the truth though. You could send a message to your BFs SIL, but if she didn't invite you then she might be a bit defensive about it. But I guess there would be no harm in asking out straight. Say that you say her pictures and she looks gorgeous, your BF told you that they had gotten married abroad and you didn't know about the blessing being such a big deal, and had you known you would have certainly have joined them for the day, and you hope that she isn't annoyed that you weren't there or something? That way it looks like you were told and couldn't come, and spares her any blushes in case she didn't invite you. The reply should sort out whether it was the bride and groom that didn't invite you, or your BF who kept the wedding from you.
IMAEEJIT Posts: 20
[quote="JDD":2taopon1]A blessing also keeps the whole day less formal, and in that way they don't have to have the sit down meal nor do they have to invite all the people that they may have had to invite if they were having the full traditional wedding. I guess this might be the reason for your BF's brother and his wife.[/quote>] <sigh> That's the problem, JDD. The pix I saw also included shots of some sort of meal/function at a venue -- completed with champers, toasts, head table, guests seated at rounds, cake, a band, etc. What I saw looked just like a sit-down wedding meal, to me. [quote="JDD":2taopon1]Usually, and I'm just saying usually, the blessing doesn't involve bridesmaids and flower girls and tuxes etc. Though I've heard it happen in one case, where the bride wanted the church and the groom wanted a civil ceremony, so he compromised on a blessing and she just went ahead and organised the whole shebang, just without the signing of the register.[/quote:2taopon1] That's what I thought, too JDD... that "blessings" don't usually include "all the trimmings." There are no photos of them signing the register that I could see, so perhaps that is what happened, but I dunno, I am so confused and hurt about this now, I don't know what to think anymore. [quote="JDD":2taopon1]Given the pictures that you saw, I'd wonder whether they ever did get married abroad, this looks like everything the wedding would have been. They may have gone abroad for the civil ceremony, but I wouldn't see the point if they were going to come home and do the full wedding.[/quote:2taopon1] Me neither, JDD. And that is what has bothered me all along. Even if BF's bro/SIL were going back and forth about what to do, you certainly couldn't arrange all of what I saw at the drop of a hat -- and it wouldn't have been inexpensive. Just doesn't add up to me, not to mention most of the albums I saw on her friends' pages were labelled "XXX & YYY's Wedding" or "Wedding" -- does it not seem like if it was only "a blessing" that people wouldn't have tagged their photos that way? [quote="JDD":2taopon1]I'm not sure how you'd find out the truth though. [/quote:2taopon1] Oh, how well I know! O:| [quote="JDD":2taopon1]You could send a message to your BFs SIL, but if she didn't invite you then she might be a bit defensive about it. But I guess there would be no harm in asking out straight. Say that you say her pictures and she looks gorgeous, your BF told you that they had gotten married abroad and you didn't know about the blessing being such a big deal, and had you known you would have certainly have joined them for the day, and you hope that she isn't annoyed that you weren't there or something? That way it looks like you were told and couldn't come, and spares her any blushes in case she didn't invite you. The reply should sort out whether it was the bride and groom that didn't invite you, or your BF who kept the wedding from you.[/quote:2taopon1][/quote:2taopon1] Well, that's the thing JDD I just don't see how I can ask her straight out. I don't know for sure if there were any plans to invite me or not. I was asked by BF if I would like to come -- and was told: "Well, if all comes to all" (which I took to me that they actually had a wedding -- since they had lived together for nine years, and BF was critical about the two of them spending so much money on a full-blown wedding when to him it seemed unecessary)... "you can come over then, and will have a chance to see what a real Irish wedding is like." We even talked about what would be a good wedding present (one of the reasons I originally joined WOL, because "boys" don't get as excited about talking about that type of thing -- and WOLLIES are great! :o)ll ). I had also even bought FSIL a small gift that would have been helpful in planning her special day, but I never sent it, because everytime I would mention the wedding to BF, he kept saying that he wasn't sure when it was on or off, and I didn't want to cause SIL any pain, if indeed she and H2B had shelved their plans. Probably 4-5 months before the wedding was to take place, my BF said FSIL had asked him for my email address. There wasn't specific mention that she's asked because of the wedding, but her comment was put to me more in the tone of a "it would be nice to get to know her" kind of query. I said, "sure" - go ahead and give it to her -- that was okay with me. But, I suspect she may have asked for another reason... I never fully understood the issue, but when BF's bro/SIL told the family they were getting married, they asked BF to be the best man. He wasn't comfortable with that, as he's rather shy, and didn't fancy having to stand up in front of everyone and do the toasts. That created some friction between the three of them; FSIL was trying to enlist the help of friends/family to help change his mind - and I think perhaps that's why she wanted to get in contact -- to have me help her get him to change his mind, but I could be all wrong… She never did email me, which may have been because things escalated too quickly, but all that "prodding" by others made BF dig his heels in more, and in the end they were going to go with TWO others -- a cousin and close family friend. BF was asked if he then would be an usher, which he took as an insult. O:| MEN! So I have no idea whether I was ever considered to be invited or not. And, to tell you the truth, I am not sure whether BF's SIL is upset or puzzled about why I contacted her at all. Our conversations have just been to exchange polite pleasantries and best wishes -- partially because this whole wedding thing has become such an issue between BF and I -- that I didn't want to stir the pot and/or being accused of not believing him by asking her about the wedding, so I have purposely not broached the subject. And, from the sounds of it, every time we do have occasional contact, she must mention it to him, because not soon after, he would always make a comment about me having talked to "XXX." Ahhhh, JDD... I just don't understand what's going on... I asked BF initially if he was bothered that I had connected with SIL through FB -- he said, no. But, when this whole trust issue between us blew up big time months later, he keeps saying *WHY* are you talking to XXX?" I can only come to one of three conclusions: 1) She has been giving out to him or asking him why I continue to make contact (three brief chats on FB in a year???), or 2) He sees my contact with SIL as just one more example of how I don't trust him "when he has nothing to hide," 3) For whatever reason, he wasn't truthful about what happened with the wedding, and is angry that I found out as a result of SIL "friending me" and now he's between a rock and a hard place as he probably thought I would have never known, otherwise. Oh, I just don't know what to think anymore girls. BF's major reason for ending our relationship is that he says I don't trust him. He says I only believe what I see (as opposed to what he says) and he can't take me giving out to him all the time anymore... That's why I thought asking here what a "blessing" is usually like would help me decide whether I he was telling me the truth, without digging myself in a deeper hole. Any additional ideas/suggestions about what's going on or how I can approach this? It's truly doing me in... :weep
cbb1982 Posts: 317
You poor thing, this is a horrible situation to be in. Do you think your BF may have something to hide in Ireland, and that is why he didnt want have anything to do with Wedding, or take you back there? Have you been to the part of Ireland he is from, have you met all his family, are you welcome to go any time you want? It might be a completely different reason, I'm just guessing, only because I have a friend here in London who is with a guy for 10 years who treats her very badly, never takes her to Ireland with him, and have heard from another friend who knows somewhere where he is from that he has a Partner and Child in Ireland, the poor girlfriend hasnt a clue!
IMAEEJIT Posts: 20
[quote="Bridee80":2lxqu6fu]I'm not 100%... Are they legally married now? My cousin had a Humanist service but had to get married 1st for it to be legal (she had a civil srevice 1st). These blessings are to show people their love but not necessarily legally binding or recognised by the State.[/quote:2lxqu6fu] Yes, I know that, Bridee80, but her FB status now does say "married." And there were numerous posts on her wall that referred to her now being an "aul married woman" -- so I think they indeed did get legally wed. But, that's not what I am questioning -- rather it's the whether BF was telling me the truth that they only had "a blessing." [quote="Bridee80":2lxqu6fu]Either way maybe your BF was bound to secrecy about it.... [/quote:2lxqu6fu] I understand what you are saying, but I don't think so in this case. From the pix, it was obvious a lot of people had to have known in advance given the dresses, flowers, setting, etc. (see my reply to JDD) so it appears the only one "surprised" by what took place, was me... [quote="Bridee80":2lxqu6fu]I wouldn't take it personally, eventhough I'm sure that's hard. Just talk to your BF. He probably feels like he's piggy in the middle, trying to respect the couples wishes and include you.[/quote:2lxqu6fu] I think he may well feel like he's in the middle -- but not between the couple and me. I understand that perhaps he had his reasons for not telling me bro/SIL had gotten married (and no, it wasn't that he took someone else, as I could see enough in the photos to know that "his date" was his daughter), but he won't discuss the issue at all because it has become another example in his mind of how I won't take him at his word. I'm now in between a rock and a hard place, myself. On one hand, questioning maybe I was too quick to jump to conclusions and give out to him, but on the other hand, maybe I was right to have doubted what he told me. Just trying to sort this all out so I know whether I should just leave our relationship alone and not try and pick up the pieces, if that's possible (or wise). :action34
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hils138 Posts: 680
I am a little confused IAMEEJIT, are you upset because you don't know if they married or not or is it because you don't know why your BF didn't tell you. Was your BF in the pictures or at the blessing?
JDD Posts: 1316
Ach, IMAEEJIT, it looks to me that your boyfriend (or ex?) has something to hide. That's the only conclusion I can come to. He initially invites you to his brother's wedding, then appears to have changed his mind and backtracks saying that he doesn't know whether it's on or not, and then that backfires on him when you see the pictures of the wedding. If you hadn't been on facebook, you would never have known that the wedding took place. He's backed into a corner when you confront him, does the usual "attack is the best form of defence" and says it is YOU that is in the wrong and it is YOU that doesn't trust him, and threatens to break the whole thing off unless you drop it and apologise. The actions of a desperate man I guess. As a previous poster said, have you met his family before, or even know anyone else from where he lives? How long have you been going out together and how often do you see each other?
Dreamster Posts: 6620
He is hiding something. As the others have asked? Have you been here? Have you met his family? How often do you see him? I take it ye don't live in the same country? If his bro & sil didn't want you at the wedding then he shuold have told you, if it was something to do with his daughter then he should have explained that. The one thing that is clear is that a full blown wedding took place and your bf didn't want you to know. Sorry.
IMAEEJIT Posts: 20
[quote="hils138":2544m42p]I am a little confused IAMEEJIT, are you upset because you don't know if they married or not or is it because you don't know why your BF didn't tell you.[/quote:2544m42p] hils, I am so confused myself right now, I don't doubt that others are! :duh: The purpose for my original post was to get the opinions of other Irish women whether the type of photos I described I saw on BF's SIL's FB page sounded like an Irish wedding or "a blessing" as I have never attended either one. Sorry if the additional details may have confused you or anyone, hils, but the situation has grown complicated and I thought the additional "back story" might be of some help. [quote="hils138":2544m42p]Was your BF in the pictures or at the blessing?[/quote:2544m42p] Yes, he was in some of the photos-- standing outside the church with his daughter for one. He also was another taken in the "ante-room" outside of the main church nave during a time it looked like people were gathering either before or after the "ceremony." There also was a photo of him inside the church -- only the back of his head, sitting in the second or third row, though I am 100% positive it was him. I think he also was in some of the other formal family portrait shots, but unfortunately, those shots were originally posted as thumbnails, so I can't get the pix to enlarge to the point where I can definitively see who all were part of those shots. If what you are asking is was he indeed in attendance at whatever "marital event" that was held, the answer is, yes he was. He was wearing a suit and tie, but not dressed in tuxes as others were in the wedding party which lends me to believe, if you read my long reply to JDD, that he declined or refused to participate as a member of the wedding party at all, and just was there as a family members/guest.