It was a wedding - no question.
Why he didn't want you at it, now that is another question!
That sounds to me like it was a full Irish Wedding, people wouldnt go to that trouble for a Blessing - and I think he is definitely hiding something. I hope you get to the bottom of it.
Thanks for clearing that up, I was a little confused, sorry.
In my opinion, it doesn't really matter whether it was a blessing or a wedding, he didn't invited you or tell you about it, WTF is going on in his head??? It would have been easy to tell you that the blessing was going ahead but that it was a small event and he could not invite you.
You know your BF best but it sounds to me that if your SIL invited you to be your friend on Facebook then she wants you involved in their lives (to some small extent) so why does not he want you to contact them.
I hate saying this but it sounds like there is something else going on either your relationship or in your BF's life and he is using this arguement as an excuse!!
When we were both working, it worked out better most of the time that he come to visit me (in N. America) rather than me go to Ireland --- just because of my work schedule, family health issues and a shortage of time off from work. The costs of the trips back and forth (up to 3 times a year) is something we split equally, which I thought was only fair...
In between visits, we talked online or on the phone, usually every day or couple of days, but there have been times when I didn't hear anything for a week (or more) which would worry me, but there always was a supposed "good reason" for the lapse, so I put my doubts aside.
As far as his family goes, I have "met" many of them. Have spoken to his daughter on IM and also on the phone many times; met, holidayed with and also have talked on the phone on several occasions with one of his best friends; have received thank you notes from his mum and SIL for gifts that that I have sent or he brought back for them from me on various occasions. Have tons of family photos, was "supposedly" welcome at bro/SIL's wedding, SIL friended me on her FB page, etc.
That's part of what has me baffled about all of this. They know about me and in some cases have corresponded/talked/IM'd with me directly, so even though I have been unable to spend any significant time with any of them, I have not been "invisible" or my "presence" unknown.
Just seems to me like if has been hiding something that it would have been to his advantage to keep me totally “under wraps" -- but, I agree, something is not right...
[quote="cbb1982":bftsz8qp]You poor thing, this is a horrible situation to be in.
Do you think your BF may have something to hide in Ireland, and that is why he didnt want have anything to do with Wedding, or take you back there? Have you been to the part of Ireland he is from, have you met all his family, are you welcome to go any time you want?
It might be a completely different reason, I'm just guessing, only because I have a friend here in London who is with a guy for 10 years who treats her very badly, never takes her to Ireland with him, and have heard from another friend who knows somewhere where he is from that he has a Partner and Child in Ireland, the poor girlfriend hasnt a clue![/quote:bftsz8qp]
I don't know what to think to be honest. I would like to trust him, and feel awful for having doubts (I think mostly because I know how hurt I would be if I were telling the truth and he doubted *me*), but I just don't know anymore.
Though we had been together in Ireland, I never spent time with him in his home town, but the reason was never because he didn't want me to visit. He asked often and we made plans several times, however, most all of them had to be dashed as first he lost his job two years ago and then I did mine, thanks to this bloody recession -- and neither of us have been able to find steady work, since.
[quote="JDD":13wtcwq4]As a previous poster said, have you met his family before, or even know anyone else from where he lives? How long have you been going out together and how often do you see each other?[/quote:13wtcwq4][/quote:13wtcwq4]
See my previous reply to cbb1982... Unfortunately, I don't know any of them well enough to ask them to shed light on what's going on, which is why I thought if I could figure out if whether there had been a wedding or not based on what I have seen/know, it would be an answer of some sort – and better than me endlessly questioning myself whether I have been unfair and was too quick to judge which is what led to the demise of our relationship...
[quote="JDD":13wtcwq4]Ach, IMAEEJIT, it looks to me that your boyfriend (or ex?) has something to hide. That's the only conclusion I can come to. He initially invites you to his brother's wedding, then appears to have changed his mind and backtracks saying that he doesn't know whether it's on or not, and then that backfires on him when you see the pictures of the wedding. If you hadn't been on facebook, you would never have known that the wedding took place.[/quote:13wtcwq4]
Yes, JDD... That's the way I felt about the situation and said that to him. He says he didn't lie -- when I asked him initially if bro/SIL ever got married, he answered truthfully as at the time there had been no "wedding/blessing/whatever" yet.
Later, after I had seen the pix on FB, I asked him why he didn't tell me the two had gotten married in Ireland he told me they didn't have a *wedding* -- it was a "blessing." I said, "fair enough" but asked why he wouldn't have mentioned it no matter what, and all I got was a "I dunno... I just forgot, I guess..."
[quote="JDD":13wtcwq4]He's backed into a corner when you confront him, does the usual "attack is the best form of defence" and says it is YOU that is in the wrong and it is YOU that doesn't trust him, and threatens to break the whole thing off unless you drop it and apologise. The actions of a desperate man I guess.
Yes, I'm afraid to admit it, but it sure seems that way to me, JDD.
[quote="Dreamster":4ia8rh4e]He is hiding something.
As the others have asked? Have you been here? Have you met his family?
How often do you see him? I take it ye don't live in the same country?[/quote:4ia8rh4e]
No, Dreamster, we don't. I'm in N. America -- he in Eire. Don't want to be redundant, so I won't repeat answers to your other questions which I have answered in response to cbb1982's earlier inquiry... but you have asked good questions. Thank you.
[quote="Dreamster":4ia8rh4e]If his bro & sil didn't want you at the wedding then he shuold have told you, if it was something to do with his daughter then he should have explained that.[/quote:4ia8rh4e]
The thought had occured to me that perhaps he had spoken out of turn from the get-go -- i.e. *he* mentioned the wedding to me and asked if I would like to attend, but he didn't really have "any authority to" -- and maybe that caused problems between him, his bro/FSIL, or for all I know, they were unaware that he had even mentioned the impending wedding to me...
I don't think his daughter had anything to do with it. She's only 13, and from the looks of things was happy to be part of the day. BF & I have talked many times about how I never wanted her to feel like I was "taking away her dad" and he assured me "she was fine with us" (and she seemed to be when I would speak to her, as well). She's also older now, and is not "as much of a daddy's girl," so I don't think whether I was in attendance at the wedding or not would have been an issue at all.
[quote="Dreamster":4ia8rh4e]The one thing that is clear is that a full blown wedding took place and your bf didn't want you to know. Sorry.[/quote:4ia8rh4e]
That's okay, Dreamster. As I said from the start I had my suspicions, but when I was "smacked" with an accusation like "you only believe what you see" it did give me pause -- and I wanted to make sure I hadn't overreacted or misunderstood due to my ignorance of "Irish wedding traditions."
I think you have nothing to lose by contacting your SIL on Facebook and asking her if she can shed any light on your BF's behaviour. I know he would hate you doing this but it seems like there is a huge problem in your relationship and can only be sorted by knowledge of what is REALLY going.
I am going to say this in defence of your BF, sometimes men are just stupid and forget to tell you things or simply don't think to tell you sometime because they have filed it under "not important". Your BF sounds like he wasn't terrible interested in his brother's wedding an if and it's a big IF it was arranged at short notices maybe he didn't tell you so that you won't have to go the "trouble" of travelling to it.
That said, I think the physical distance between you makes it easier for him to lead "two lives". That has to end.
IAMAEEJIT, I really feel for you and hope that this can be sorted with the minimum heartache for you.
As much as I hate to admit it, it looks like to me that perhaps I had gotten too close to uncovering the truth (whatever that is), so rather than risk being found out, he just ended things by laying all the blame at my feet.
I'm also wondering now whether the reason he was so upset I had made/kept in contact with the SIL is that all the other other things I had stumbled across here and there over the years, could never definitively be corroborated in his mind (though I beg to differ on that score), so he figured as long as there was a shadow of a doubt as to me being able to "prove" anything, he was in the clear.
However, me being in contact with SIL may have posed a real threat to his promise of "he had never lied to me." He had explained away other "irregularities" but in the case of the "wedding vs blessing" issue, it would be a fairly simple matter to confirm the real story – which he probably realized from the start.
If I ever did ask his SIL about the wedding, and his “explanation” turned out to be rubbish, then suddenly, every other “explanation” he had ever given would be suspect as well.
I’m thinking he knew that, and instead of having to deal with me often asking him in recent months to clarify or explain something questionable (which in fairness, probably wasn’t very “pleasant”), he just figured it would be best to end things, rather run the risk of him being found out or worse yet, having to admit to me that he had lied – as he knew that was a deal-breaker for me.
For good measure when he ended things, I think he made such an issue of me being in touch with SIL (in his mind, an example of “me checking up on him”), to ensure I would feel bad for doubting him. In his mind by doing so, he may have thought it upped his chances that *I would never* ask the SIL for the straight story – as if I did, that *proved* his point -- I didn’t trust him.
Thanks to everyone's kind responses here, that’s where I am at with my thinking now…
Still stunned at all that has happened, sick that nearly five years of some very good times (as well as some not so) are down the drain, but also saying to myself: “If he’s dumb enough to walk and throw it all away, I have to be smart enough to let him go.”
Question I have now for you ladies, is…
Do I just let the whole thing lie, or do I buck up the courage to talk with the SIL to get to the bottom of this? If so, how can/should I approach her? Any ideas/opinions either way?
[quote="cbb1982":37dj8ywn]That sounds to me like it was a full Irish Wedding, people wouldnt go to that trouble for a Blessing - and I think he is definitely hiding something. I hope you get to the bottom of it.
[quote="Dreamster":37dj8ywn]It was a wedding - no question. Why he didn't want you at it, now that is another question![/quote:37dj8ywn][/quote:37dj8ywn]
Thank you, cbb1982, and Dreamster , yes, I know…
Though something clearly is not right, I'm not sure me attending the wedding (or not) was the real issue.
I think what may have happened is that he had "invited me," then got into a snit with his bro/FSIL about what role he was to have in the wedding, and knowing how stubborn he can be when he's hurt/angry, he probably told the family he would have nothing to do with the wedding at all.
If he had decided to "boycott" the wedding, he couldn't very well do that if I was making a special trip over to attend so he just dropped or side-stepped the issue with me.
In the end, for the sake of his mum, daughter, and family harmony he may have given in and attended, and never made mention of it to me as the whole thing was a sore spot with him. When I asked more than once what ever happened, he didn't tell me the truth, but probably figured I would never know what really happened, so no harm done if he "told me a little white lie."
Problem was, SIL and I did later connect via FB -- I saw the photos, asked him about them, he gave me the "blessing explanation" -- probably counting again on the fact I probably wouldn't know the difference -- and if "I bought" that explanation he was still in the clear.
However, the way he reacted *had* shaken my trust in him. There were a number of other things, small by themselves, but in the aggregate, creating doubt in my mind whether there was someone else, or if not, if he was "playing me." I asked those questions many times to make sure I understood where I stood and the answer always was: "No, I'm not seeing someone else nor do I want to. I love you and I miss you -- AND THERE IS NO ONE ELSE!"
I kept saying, "fair enough, but you have to do more than just tell me, you have to *show me* with your actions, not only words. The final straw that broke the camel's back is that I recently found a profile for him on a dating website -- that in itself wouldn't have been a problem as what a partner did before you were couple, is "history" -- I understand that.
BUT -- the profile (complete with several pix of him) indicated that he had been online -- THAT DAY!
I called him and asked him to explain what I had found -- at first he said he didn't know what I was talking about. "When I refreshed his memory" (by saying there was no doubt it was he as the pix included were of him), he said the profile was old and posted before we met, and he had forgotten all about it.
I asked him then why if that was true, the site indicated that he had been online not two hours before. His response was that was impossible, they had had a power outage in his area that day so there's no way his PC was even operational. (I checked his "alibi," and indeed there was no power until early the next morning-- so at least that part, seemed to be true.)
His battery on his mobile was going and he had no way to charge it, so he said: "I don't understand it why it would say I was online -- and I understand why you're upset. We'll talk about it tomorrow night, okay?"
Next night, no call or IM. Turns out he got a nixer and had to travel to the North with his brother and was there most of the week. I tried calling a few times -- no answer. He finally came online Sunday evening, and told me that "he couldn't take me giving out any more... that it was obvious I had made up my mind (that he was untrustworthy) and that "I only would believe what I could see" so it was best that we just part ways...
I finally did get him to pick up the phone, and I do believe he had been crying as he was sniffling, but he could have had a head cold, for all I know...
Thank you, hils138. Trying to keep my chin up about all this, but it's tough, and as much as I would like to "soldier on" -- it really hurts. You have been very kind and generous in your comments and support. Thank you for that. If nothing else, at this point I'm hoping that perhaps me sharing my story might help others down the road...
I think you have nothing to lose by contacting your SIL on Facebook and asking her if she can shed any light on your BF's behaviour. I know he would hate you doing this but it seems like there is a huge problem in your relationship and can only be sorted by knowledge of what is REALLY going.[/quote:243wxp6s]
I agree with you, hils138 -- I am in dire need of some clarification, that's for sure. However, at this point, I'm not sure there is *a relationship* any more. He threw in the towel, made it clear that we're done, and there has been no contact. I haven't initiated any -- because in my heart I feel like if I do, I will never know whether he’s sincere and he’s committed to do what it takes to keep me, IYKWIM.
[quote="hils138":243wxp6s]I am going to say this in defence of your BF, sometimes men are just stupid and forget to tell you things or simply don't think to tell you sometime because they have filed it under "not important". Your BF sounds like he wasn't terrible interested in his brother's wedding an if and it's a big IF it was arranged at short notices maybe he didn't tell you so that you won't have to go the "trouble" of travelling to it. [/quote:243wxp6s]
Thanks for raising that point, hils138. I agree with you, men/women do think about things differently, and that's why I have been trying all along to look at what's happened from both sides. In spite of everything, *he is a good lad* -- was incredibly kind to my family, does have a heart, but something is not right.
Don't think the wedding/blessing was arranged at the last minute though. Just too many things in the photos (matching BM dresses, lovely wedding dress, tuxes, flowers, dinner @ a venue, cake, etc) that looked like there had been thought put into them, not to mention, I don't know how they would have been able to book the church AND a dinner venue both at the spur of the moment...
[quote="hils138":243wxp6s]That said, I think the physical distance between you makes it easier for him to lead "two lives". That has to end.[/quote:243wxp6s]
Yes hils138, the distance has become a real problem. It wasn't in the beginning when we were in touch daily and/or several times a day, and saw each other every few months.
We knew from the start that things would have to be this way for a while, as he had a young daughter whom he wouldn't/shouldn't leave, I have some elderly family issues here that require me to stay. The plan was, both of us thought what we had was special enough, that it was worth waiting for. So, we would just try to keep on, until which time, circumstances changed which would make it possible for us to be together.
[quote="hils138":243wxp6s]IAMAEEJIT, I really feel for you and hope that this can be sorted with the minimum heartache for you.
[quote="hils138":284fp0eo]In my opinion, it doesn't really matter whether it was a blessing or a wedding, he didn't invited you or tell you about it, WTF is going on in his head??? It would have been easy to tell you that the blessing was going ahead but that it was a small event and he could not invite you. [/quote:284fp0eo]
From the consensus here, I think *it was* a full-blown wedding. Per another post, I think I was "dis-invited" by him, because he may have been planning *not* to attend as a result of how choosing members of the bridal party had been handled... Just a hunch, but I think very plausible, as when he gets angry and makes up his mind about something, there's rarely any "going back."
[quote="hils138":284fp0eo]You know your BF best but it sounds to me that if your SIL invited you to be your friend on Facebook then she wants you involved in their lives (to some small extent) so why does not he want you to contact them.[/quote:284fp0eo]
Truly a mystery, hils138 -- that is, IF he had nothing to hide...
[quote="hils138":284fp0eo]I hate saying this but it sounds like there is something else going on either your relationship or in your BF's life and he is using this arguement as an excuse!![/quote:284fp0eo]
Yes, I hate to agree with you, but I think the "wedding/blessing" conundrum may have been the tip of the iceberg, but also "the tipping point" in terms of our relationship. It just doesn't all add up...
[quote="hils138":284fp0eo]Thanks for clearing that up, I was a little confused, sorry.[/quote:284fp0eo]
NP, thanks for caring enough to respond.