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Wedding or Blessing? Please Help Me! - Page 3

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Cinnabon Posts: 2626
Jeez talk about confusing and long. What I am about to write is going to be controversial but I think it needs to be said. First off - how on earth did you manage to keep up a 5yr long distance relationship with only seeing each other about 3 times a year - to me that's not a relationship that's likely to work - it's a friendship. You sound like you constantly quiz him about his actions and whereabouts - I'm surprised it took this long for him to get fed up with it. This wedding (and it was a wedding whether they had a separate civil ceremony and then a blessing afterwards - which we considered) sounds like it was a couple of years ago (from your 6 months hear and there) - just drop it - it's not worth discussing or arguing about anymore. If neither of you are/were prepared to move to give the relationship a chance I would say just cut your ties and move on - possibly should have done this a couple of years ago to be honest. How can he 'show' you how much he loves you if he is living >3000 miles away. And this is not an insult or directed at you personally but Americans have an idealised/naive view of things at times and I am thinking there is some of that here - and before anyone jumps at me I have lived in the US, have plenty of friends and direct family over there so have first hand experience of this. Also I have been in a long distance relationship within Europe and they just aren't worth the - where is he now, who is he with now that goes on in your head............it's not healthy.
IMAEEJIT Posts: 20
[quote="fmh62":1i2lxxtx]First off - how on earth did you manage to keep up a 5yr long distance relationship with only seeing each other about 3 times a year - to me that's not a relationship that's likely to work - it's a friendship.[/quote:1i2lxxtx] Yes fmh62, LDRs are not for everyone, and it sounds like you agree. But, thousands of couples whose loved ones are in the military, work for multi-national companies, not to mention those whose partners are pursuing educational degree programs cross-country or abroad many that take several years to complete manage to do it everyday -- and very often, quite successfully. I doubt most of them consider their relationships just "friendships" -- nor, in a "perfect world" would they choose to be separated from their SO's by time and space, but that's the hand they were dealt, so they "hang in there" and make the best of it, just as most couples do, if they believe what they have with another is worth it, waiting on and/or fighting for... [quote="fmh62":1i2lxxtx]You sound like you constantly quiz him about his actions and whereabouts - I'm surprised it took this long for him to get fed up with it.[/quote:1i2lxxtx] Nope, not "constantly," fmh62, but perhaps it seems that way to you. My post wasn't about all the fun, joyous, caring, happy, loving and wonderful times we shared -- which was one of the reasons why we were "friends" for five years. [quote="fmh62":1i2lxxtx]This wedding (and it was a wedding whether they had a separate civil ceremony and then a blessing afterwards - which we considered) sounds like it was a couple of years ago (from your 6 months hear and there) - just drop it - it's not worth discussing or arguing about anymore.[/quote:1i2lxxtx] Yes, fmh62, you're right -- it did occur a year-and-a-half ago, and IT IS high time the whole issue *was* put to rest. That's why I posted my question in the first place -- to get some clarity and closure -- and others who responded kindly provided that for which I am grateful. [quote="fmh62":1i2lxxtx] If neither of you are/were prepared to move to give the relationship a chance I would say just cut your ties and move on - possibly should have done this a couple of years ago to be honest.[/quote:1i2lxxtx] fmh62, perhaps you're at a stage where you haven't yet acquired many of the obligations that usually come along during the course of one's life. Like it or not, the older you get, you can't always "just do" what you want, no matter how much you want it or wish it would be. Children aren't pieces of baggage that can be shuffled from one platform to the next. Elderly or ill family members can't just be dumped at the curb. Both my BF and I have obligations and responsibilities WE COULD HAVE walked away from so we could revel in our own happiness RIGHT NOW, but that's not the kind of people were are -- nor the kind of person either of us wanted to spend the rest of our lives with. We knew from the get-go that it was going to be a long road before we'd be able to have what we wanted. But, we knew that when we did, "we would have done the right thing" by seeing through our respective responsibilities and putting the needs of others who depended on us, first. [quote="fmh62":1i2lxxtx]How can he 'show' you how much he loves you if he is living >3000 miles away.[/quote:1i2lxxtx] The same way *any* SO does. By being truthful, respectful, considerate, caring, loyal, trustworthy or just about any adjective common to relationships of any kind you would like the insert. When you give your word, you keep it. When you make plans or promises, you follow through. When one of you is down, the other is there to help you get back up. When you fight, you "fight fair" and you make sure no one ever goes to bed angry. You remember important dates, celebrate special times, and make new memories. Do I need to go on? Doesn't matter whether your SO is sitting right next to you or half-way around the globe, if his/her actions don't match their words, saying "I love you" a thousand times is rarely enough, not to mention, it just doesn't ring true. [quote="fmh62":1i2lxxtx]And this is not an insult or directed at you personally but Americans have an idealised/naive view of things at times and I am thinking there is some of that here - and before anyone jumps at me I have lived in the US, have plenty of friends and direct family over there so have first hand experience of this.[/quote:1i2lxxtx] I won't take it personally, but I can't speak for my American friends. [quote="fmh62":1i2lxxtx]Also I have been in a long distance relationship within Europe and they just aren't worth the - where is he now, who is he with now that goes on in your head............it's not healthy.[/quote:1i2lxxtx] No, it's not -- nor is any relationship where the two people involved aren't equally committed to each other and "doing what it takes." Some "traditional" relationships work out and some don't -- just like LDRs. I'm sorry your long-distance experience was so anxiety-ridden for you. If nothing else, it sounds like you've learned you're much more comfortable having your SO within sight. Fair play and good luck, to you! :thnk
MrsAH Posts: 3715
I think for your own sanity if nothing else you need to contact the SIL. Only then when you know the truth about the 'wedding' can you begin to untangle the truth. Hope it works out for you.
Cinnabon Posts: 2626
You don't sound like you want to take anyones advise on board - if you really want to find out about the wedding just ask his SIL - but why after 18months you are still harping on about it baffles me. Service people etc who carry on long distance relationships had a base to work on (and a lot of those don't work out when they are living out of each others pockets daily) - did you have any basis for a long distance relationship - ie did you meet on holidays and kept it going from there or were you living in the same town/city for a while and one of you had to move? And yes I do know and understand about responsibility to families etc so don't just assume I don't - I am a lot older than most on this forum. Do you mind me asking what nationality you are and what age group you fall into. My long distance relationship didn't last long as I knew very quickly that he was a complete b*ll*cks so I was right to have those thoughts but I didn't let me become obsessive which is how you sound.
pigeonwife Posts: 3789
I know fmh62s response was controversial but I agree with her in certain aspects. I was also wondering about the basis for your relationship - ie; has it ever been anything other than a LDR? I do think Irish people have a very different attitude to LDRs than Americans, especially when it comes to relatonships that have always been LDRs. I personally don't think you can compare a relationship between 2 people that starts off as a normal relationship with a seperation down the road (due to military postings, etc) to a LDR that begins as say a holiday romance and just continues from there as without spending a significant amount of time (ie; more than "holidays') with your partner you will never really know them. I would say it's quite possible that your BF does not see your relationship as exclusive (whetever he may tell you) and may have had someone else on the go here at the time of the wedding even if she was not his official date for the event. Relationships / hook ups can be alot more casual here than in the US (I also have lived in North America so I do know about the different attitudes). I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but I do think you probably need to move on as regardless of anything else it doesn't sound as if your BF is (or ever was) as committed to your relationship (such as it was) as you are/were.
Cinnabon Posts: 2626
[quote="pigeonwife":csbbwuxa]I know fmh62s response was controversial but I agree with her in certain aspects. I was also wondering about the basis for your relationship - ie; has it ever been anything other than a LDR?[/quote:csbbwuxa] Thank you pigeonwife - I knew I was going out on a limb writing.
Service Finder
IMAEEJIT Posts: 20
[quote="MrsAH":10k46lo0]I think for your own sanity if nothing else you need to contact the SIL. Only then when you know the truth about the 'wedding' can you begin to untangle the truth. Hope it works out for you.[/quote:10k46lo0] Thanks for sharing your view, and your best wishes, MrsAH... I think you may be right. Though the consensus here is what transpired wasn't "a blesssing," hearing it from "the horse's mouth" will remove all doubt. If a wedding did really take place, the reason why I was misled doesn't really matter. The fact I was, is telling enough.
IMAEEJIT Posts: 20
[quote="fmh62":3kq1ym45]You don't sound like you want to take anyones advise on board - if you really want to find out about the wedding just ask his SIL - but why after 18months you are still harping on about it baffles me.[/quote:3kq1ym45] fmh62, perhaps because as you admit, you found my posts too long and confusing, and you missed what is the real issue, here. Yes, "the wedding" DID happen some time ago. I asked BF at the time what happened, was given an answer and was satisfied with that. Even after photos of the event surfaced that seemed to indicate BF's bro/SIL didn't just go off and get married on holiday which is what I was told, I asked again and accepted what BF told me -- they had "a blessing" back in IE. Fast forward 18 months. I stumble across a profile on a dating website complete with photos. I ask BF what's up with that, he initially says it's nothing and not to be concerned (even though there had been activity on the account THAT day). A week goes by without a word, and when he does get in touch it's to say he wants to end the relationship. Reason being, no matter what he says, "I only believe what I see." Example? If I trusted him, then I should have declined SIL's invitation to get in touch -- and the fact she and I have chatted (THREE TIMES in the entire past year on FB, about nothing more serious than the weather, BTW) is something he is angry about. To borrow your state of mind, I was baffled by what he had to say. Why would the fact SIL and I occasionally exchanged small talk be such a problem, if what he had told me about her wedding was true? But since I had never been to an Irish wedding or "a blessing* I realize maybe I had been wrong to question the photos I'd seen. So, I came here to ask others what they thought. The verdict has been pretty unanimous. Contrary to what I was led to believe, the "infamous" wedding most likely did take place, which casts a whole new light on BF's dealings with me. I don't necessarily expect you or others to understand or agree with the choices I've made, fmh62, as none of you have walked in my shoes. But, I do appreciate the time and views everyone has shared -- they've been helpful and enlightening which is what I was hoping for. Thank you. :thnk
Cinnabon Posts: 2626
[quote="IMAEEJIT":1atvhvih]fmh62, perhaps because as you admit, you found my posts too long and confusing, and you missed what is the real issue, here.[/quote:1atvhvih] I do understand what the real issue was - what is the difference between a 'blessing' & 'wedding' and 'trust' [quote="IMAEEJIT":1atvhvih]Fast forward 18 months. I stumble across a profile on a dating website complete with photos. I ask BF what's up with that, he initially says it's nothing and not to be concerned (even though there had been activity on the account THAT day). A week goes by without a word, and when he does get in touch it's to say he wants to end the relationship. Reason being, no matter what he says, "I only believe what I see."[/quote:1atvhvih] If I were him I'd have been asking you what were you doing browsing a dating website. In one of your other posts you mentioned that he said there was no power THAT day in his area but then you had to go and find out if that was true so I can see where he came from saying you only believe what you see. If someone was checking up on me I would have been furious and would possibly respond with - if you don't believe me you know what you can do................ I think you need to move on and get over this and put it down to experience *)
gillette Posts: 1803
Honestly, IMAEEJIT (which you aren't by the way; trusting maybe, eejit no!), I think it's just one of those horrible things you just have to chalk up to experience at this point. If the wedding (and there's no doubt in my mind that that's what it was) was 18months ago and you're now broken up, even if you contact his sister, her loyalty is to him and chances are she'll just tell you whatever he wants you to hear. So you'll probably just get more rubbish about blessings and you'll be none the wiser. I've been there and done that with a long distance relationship - we went out before I went away and we knew exactly when I'd be back, down to the month. Unfortunately, I just think your ex has had too long having it his own way - he has the comfort of a girlfriend with whom he has holidays but then he can pursue other girls, including through dating sites, as he wants. I know you say there are good reasons why you never visited his home town and that there was no big plan to keep you away - all I'll say is that you come across as honest and straightforward. Unfortunately, that doesn't mean he is. There are so many Wollies on the site who've had their hearts broken after years of being with a guy and then come back and say they've met the right person and that they'd never have thought that things could be so good. I know clich├ęs are of very little comfort but really, things will get better. Don't lower yourself to his level anymore - he lied to you, repeatedly over a long period of time. Sometimes you just don't get to find out the truth. It's awful but it happens. Don't contact his sister, delete his family's facebook profiles, stop trying to figure it out. :action32