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ScarlettoHara Posts: 8442
God girls its me again with another hubbie related issue :o0 :o0 I just dont know how to handle this situation... I will lay it down and see what ye think. Its my mothers anniversary today, her 18th, she died when I was 12. I have been with hubbie for 12 years and every single year he just doesnt bother mentioning it AT ALL or half way during the day he will throw out some stupid feeble comment or other thats supposed to make me feel better. Ok so I KNOW that the reason he doesnt mention it/half says some thing is because he doesnt know what to say and he feels weird in these type of situations. It either results in me saying nothing back, or me ending up losing the rag and having an all out screaming match with him. The latter happened today when at half 4 he asked me was I ok (Im assuming this was a reference). It ends with him saying the token "sorry" me screaming at him that hes not and hes only saying sorry cause Im complaining........ this type of conversation could go on and on and on........ So now Im sitting up stairs even more upset than I was earlier. I just dont know what to do. He is a wonderful husband he is a wonderful father and he helps around the house etc etc etc.I remember when my nana died him behaving like a complete a ss hole, just because he didnt know how to deal with me being upset and we had a screaming match over it too. Do I just need to accept that he is never going to be an "emotional" type of man?? He just doesnt seem to have it in him at all. I feel like I have to beg him for some sympathy at times like this. To be honest I would prefer none than the type I have to ask for. Thanks for reading guys ETA..... its his birthday tomorrow so its not as if he is likely to have forgotten the date!!!
lastminutebride Posts: 785
First off, I'm so, so sorry about your mother. I could be wayyyy off base here, so ignore this if it's not useful, but in my experience, guys like that freeze up when they're confronted with an emotional situation for which there is no instruction manual. You have to give them the manual. I'd bet that he feels very deeply for you and would do anything to make you feel better - he just doesn't know what 'anything' is. Unfair though this may seem, you might have to help him out. I know the ideal would be if he could spontaneously come up with the words and gestures himself, but it looks like he's not able to - unless you point him in the right direction. I think I'd try saying something like (obviously, change to fit your actual situation): 'When you barely mention my mother's anniversary, I feel like you're ignoring it and hoping it'll go away, and it makes me miserable. I really need extra support all through that day. I would love it if you could give me extra hugs, text me or phone me a few times, stuff like that. Things that make me feel like you're there, even more than you always are.' (Or whatever you need from him. The more specific the better.) I know it feels like it doesn't count if you have to nudge him, but from what you're saying, it sounds like all the love and compassion and desire to help are already there - those are coming from him, not from you. You're just showing him how to put a shape on them.
ScarlettoHara Posts: 8442
Thanks a mill for the advise lastminutebride and I think your dead right there, thats exactly what it is. But like for the past 12 years I kind of HAVE been doing that. After every row and we talk it through I say stuff like that to him and he says sorry it wont happen again blah blah blah and then the next year its back to square one!! Aw Im just sick of the same thing over and over. I do think that I just need to accept that hes never going to be that type of man. Thats if he even exists at all :o0 Thanks again :thnk
SandyClaws Posts: 3108
scarlett i dont really have anything useful to offer but i know what you mean, my hubby just doesnt do emotion like that, if im ever upset its usually me sitting in floods of tears and he just looking at me not knowing what to say, i know he cares and loves me, but he just doesnt know what to say in those situations. i think i just have to learn to deal with it but its not easy cos im a very emotional person :thnk thinking of you on this sad day
Leftbank Posts: 2395
Oh Scarlett This must be a v tough day for you and some consideration certainly wouldnt go amiss but at this rate if he hasnt learned in the last 12 he prob wont at this stage. Guys are so diff to girls dont forget that. He loves you but guys can be so odd bout expressions. We are all here thinking of you, here are some hugs :xox :xox :xox :xox (close your eyes and pretend they are from himself) Hope the rest of your day goes ok.
PrettyWoman Posts: 1233
So sorry that it is your mom's anniversary. They say time is a healer but I don't really believe that, you just learn to go through the motions. I could be wrong but I get the impression that if he does try to ask how your are (in an insensitive way - the way a man can) that it just ends up in a row? Maybe at this stage he is afraid to talk to your properly incase it leads to another row? I agree that I think some men just bottle up and freeze in tough situations. It sounds to me that he knows its a difficult day for you but he doesn't know how to approach you on the day. TBH, if it was me I don't know what I would want from my h2b but I'm sure whatever he would do I wouldn't like it, sometimes he just needs to look at me the wrong way and it can lead to an argument! :-8 Maybe on this date you could both organise to do something together to remember your mum? Like going to the grave/lighting a candle. Something small that means something to you. It might take the pressure off him but then you still have something to do together on the day and he will be there for you. Hope you are feel better soon.......
buddylove Posts: 3288
Hi Scarlett I know how you feel on this. My bro died when i was young and my dad when i was 13. I have been with H2b for 5 yrs and he NEVER remembers these dates which always bugs me.. I cant understand how something major in my life seems to hold no relavance to him. I thought about this last yr and what i came to the conclusion was that as it happened when i wasnt with him I think thats a factor in him not remembering the anniversary of you know what i mean. I think if we had been together at the time the date would stand out more to him than it does now as when we met my dad wasnt around so he knows no different than that... I agree with other posters as well that men arent the best with emotions and deal with things differently. As well my h2b is awful with dates... men arent as good with remembering stuff as we are. Anyways Scarlett today is emotional enough without being upstairs being upset. As you said your hubby is generally a great husband / dad so whilst it is bugging you will only make yourself more miserable isolating yourself from him. Take care and I will say a prayer for your mom today. xxx :action32
ott Posts: 3920
So sorry about your mam Scarlett and sorry to hear you're having a tough day today. :action32 I can't imagine how hard it is. By the sounds of it your DH really doesn't know what to say, and I'd imagine it's harder again because he didn't know your mam (I'm making an assumption here). I know if I'm speaking to a friend about someone they've lost I'll always talk about the person, about things they liked, things they said and did. I'm always lost if I didn't know the person. I think PrettyWoman's suggestion about doing things together on her anniversary is a really good one. Actions speak louder than words of course, and it'll be easier for your DH to do things than for him to say things, ifykwim. You'll probably have to spoon feed him again re what to do but there's nothing wrong with that when it comes to men. It doesn't mean he doesn't want to comfort you. I remember on DH's granddad's first anniversary a few years ago I was the only person who actually asked MIL on the day how she was feeling. Her DH never said a word to her, her sons didn't say anything (apart from my DH because I made him) and neither did BILs' wives. She wept and wept and wept in my arms, not just because she missed her dad but also because she felt noone cared. Now, I know for a fact that EVERYONE cares about her but noone could find the words and just shrank away instead. I hope you feel a bit better very soon.
randomusername Posts: 2134
Scarlett, my dh would be similar. He's an angel with regards to helping in the house and with dd and so many other things and we talk about anything and everything but when it comes to emotional issues like this he doesn't know how to act. I can tell him and explain to him but its not something that comes naturally to him, he's not heartless just incredibly uncomfortable when presented with emotional situations and he will be the quiet one in the corner. If I open the conversation and want to talk about the person who has passed he will listen and laugh along or console me etc but trying to get him to start the chat is impossible so I no longer expect it of him. When something like this presents itself I'll either start talking or keep it to myself depending on how I feel at the time. Also with the shouting match you talk about, this could be an emotional release for you too so don't write it off. Just talk to him if you want to talk about your mum, he's your husband, he clearly adores you and hates to see you hurting so this will compound any feelings of being uncomfortable he is experiencing. He probably wants to be the "fixer" and make you feel better and knowing that nothing he says or does will make you feel better will more than likely make him even more tongue tied. Hope you're ok hon x
pixiechick Posts: 647
Hiya Scarlett First of all sorry about your mother. I know how you feel,my mother died when I was nine. I would be inclined to agree with some of the other posters that he may not acknowledge it well because he was not there when it happened, maybe he is at a loss for words as well. My DH was in my life when my dad died 2 years ago and takes care of me on his anniversary but he does not react the same on my mothers anniversary and I presume it's because he was not in my life then and never met her. I don't think he means to be insensitive and I doubt your DH means to be insensitive either. Take care of yourself today Hun :action32 :action32