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Sassypants Posts: 4461
I'm putting this out there to get some advice and perspective on the situation. We got married a few weeks ago. We're really happy, our relationship is great and all is well in the world. About a year ago we realised that we were sort of "done" with living in Dublin City Centre. We said that after the wedding we'd try to move to the country. We'd love to move to the West and buy a house and start a family but the job situation is not going our way. I started job hunting in January, contacting the relevant businesses etc but there is nothing there at the moment. What I do is quite specific and unfortunately if there are no jobs then there's nothing for me. Businesses can't really "create" a job for me, iykwim. So the move to the West is off, or at least on hold. I'm still job hunting but it's not helping. That is our only plan at the moment, the plan is not going to happen and it could be 1,2,3,4,5 years until a job comes up for me. I'm open to making a new "plan". My husband is not. He said that he doesnt want to live anywhere else in Ireland (he's not from here) and if we can't move to where we want to be, he just wants to stay here. In our tiny tiny apartment in Dublin City Centre. Or he'd move to New Zealand. Which I would love to do but I'm 30 in January and MIL is 60 in June and I want to be around for that. Then, this time next year we're hoping to TTC. I don't wanna be away from family and friends when we start a family. So I'm open to looking for a job anywhere in Ireland that I can get one. Or for staying in DUblin but moving out a little, maybe renting a bigger place and having dinner parties and friends over etc. My husband refuses to do this. He said that if we're staying in Dublin that he wants to stay in the city centre, in our little shoebox apartment. I think, cos we're married now, I feel we need to grow up a little. I still want to go out and have fun (I'm good at that) but I'd like to have a bigger place and be a bit more of a home maker. (yes yes, 1950s housewife, that's me!) So we talked about it last night, he refuses to move on anything. He says it's either the West, NZ or stay where we are. 3 options. I'm way more open to options except NZ or staying here. And obviously option 1 can't happen unless I miraculously get a job! If anyone can give me an objective opinion on this situation I'd really appreciate it. I'm not looking for someone to fix my life, just for someone to say it like it is. (maybe not too harshly!?!)
randomusername Posts: 2134
Why does he get to call all the shots? Why is it his way or the highway? Ask him to compromise, move to a bigger place in the citycentre? I'm sorry I can't offer more advice, if it was me I would be pretty annoyed at him being so stubborn tbh :-8
Sassypants Posts: 4461
[quote="watermelonbelly":3lkk23zd]Why does he get to call all the shots? Why is it his way or the highway? Ask him to compromise, move to a bigger place in the citycentre? I'm sorry I can't offer more advice, if it was me I would be pretty annoyed at him being so stubborn tbh :-8[/quote:3lkk23zd] Thanks for replying watermelonbelly! I just wanted someone to see it from an outside perspective, which you have. I got the feeling that he was calling the shots, but then thought it just could have been me being overly emotional and sensitive. Compromise is the word that keeps appearing in my head too. Thanks so much for replying.
ReginaFalange Posts: 10290
I’d agree with WMB. You need to compromise find a solution that works for both of you. I don’t think that it’s unreasonable to want to move to a bigger home- especially if you feel that you’ve outgrown your current one. Try to come up with some ideas yourself and then sit down and chat about them and tell him that the conversation is not over until ye find a solution that you are both happy with!!
SookieStackhouse Posts: 3135
Agree with WMB, I think compromise is a big word in marriage! My DH is quite adamant that if he doesn't get a job in the next few months we'll have to move the whole family to England. I don't want to move anywhere, but I know I'm probably going to have to compromise somewhere along the line because we have to do what's best for our family and another yr out of work will not be good for my DH. He's actually off at an interview this afternoon so cross your fingers! :-8 I can't understand why he's so against moving out of the city centre a bit, it sounds like a perfect solution to your problems. You need to make him understand it's two of you in your relationship and you need to find something that you can both live with.
randomusername Posts: 2134
In the interest of balance can I just say that I came across something recently that was pointing out the main differences in men and women. Now the research was in relation to food but it sort of applies to lots of things. (can I just say it's not a generalisation, it is actual research, I am not saying ALL men are like this but the majority of men in the survey are) The survey was about attitudes to food. Men like instructions in 3 easy steps, open, heat, eat kind of thing. Similarly when they go to the shop for milk, they will buy milk. The same milk that was last in the fridge, they won't notice that the fridge is entirely empty of anything else, they will simply walk in buy the milk and walk back out again. If you look at the apartment situation, your dh is most likely saying "we're here, we're fine here, no need to move" All that upheaval for what? A rented apartment 10 minutes away with an extra foot of room. Make it easy for him. Tell him how it could work and why. I am in no way saying he, or all men are simple, just that they're not fans of change, they like simple easy to follow instructions and they like things to stay the same, that's why they're probably still drinking the same brand of milk their mammy uses.
paperclips Posts: 3146
Your DH doesnt seem to be open to any alternative options apart from those that you outlined above. It does seem to be all one sided and he doesnt seem to be very open minded to other options. Is the option of staying in City Centre but getting a bigger apartment an option for you both? I can understand that now your married you want to make a house a home for you both and living in a shoebox cant be comfortable. You need to come up with your own options and then lay them on the table with him
lux Posts: 6270
He is calling the shots. I do feel when you get married its not just about one person anymore. You are a unit and one person can't and shouldn't dictate the terms. How would he react if you said "I've gotten my dream job in "insert place in the west here" and we're moving, its the only place I want to move to"? Would he move? Or would he stay in the shoebox and have a long distance marriage? I love where I grew up and bought a house there. We're moving in after the renovations are done and it'll be our first real home as a married couple and we can't wait to have the dinner parties etc. But we know its not the end of the line, we might well have to move to an entirely different part of the country, my husband wasn't born here so living in his place of birth would also be something we'd have to consider, especially if the financial situation of the country changes. You need to discuss it as a couple, not him laying out the rules and not changing.
Jawl Posts: 8881
He needs to meet you half way. Moving back West is out due to your job situation, and going to NZ is pretty drastic. If you have to stay where you are, moving somewhere bigger would be a proper compromise.
Sassypants Posts: 4461
Thanks ladies. I'm glad that you are all seeing my point of view, I wasnt sure if I was being a little childish about it - "he wont do what I want, blah blah blah" but I really am open to so much more compromising than he is. [quote="watermelonbelly":an1yuxyv]Make it easy for him. Tell him how it could work and why. [/quote:an1yuxyv] Yeah, that's what I tried to do. I told him the benefits of moving to a bigger place, slightly outside the city and all he could say was "I want to be in the city centre, if we move out further it will only cost us more" But my reasoning behind it is that maybe we would not go out as much, have friends over a bit more, save a bit of money, perhaps even buy a car, and just move forward a little. But he doesnt get it. All he hears is "we won't be in the city centre and have the world at our doorstep". He even said to me "I didnt realise you'd want to become so boring just cos we got married!" Well how I did not kill him when he said that I'll never know!!!! In fairness, we don't fight that often and we both have the same end goal. We have similar outlooks on how to raise kids, and where to raise kids, what type of school to send them too etc. It's just the next step that we can't agree on! EDITED TO SAY: I've just read my original post and I realise that a few times I've said "our tiny apartment" or "our shoebox apartment" but it's not that bad. It's got a huge bedroom and a nice sized sitting room but our kitchen is tiny and we only have room to have 2 people over for dinner (I love cooking) and we don't have a spare bedroom for friends or family to stay. So our apartment is grand but I do feel I've grown out of it. He obviously doesnt. And we are in the city centre (just off Henry Street)