really want some other perspectives on this, sorry if it turns out to be lengthy!
my dh and i moved to glasgow 5 years ago to train as teachers and were both offered permanent jobs there after the year. we have always been super keen to moving home, but the job situation is dire and we're both so lucky to be employed. however, i am now 19 weeks pregnant with our first baby and definitely want to move home as we don't have any support around us here. we decided that dh would hand in his notice in december and i would start my maternity leave at that point and we would just move home - i'm not planning on telling my employer that i'm leaving after my maternity leave and will just go back for the few weeks so they can't claim my mat pay back. fil had quite a few contacts that should get dh steady supply.
here's the dilemma.....fil rang last night to say that a head teacher he is very friendly with has offered dh a maternity cover starting in a couple of weeks. this would mean me being in glasgow on my own, becoming more and more heavily pregnant and attending antenatal classes etc on my own. money is tight to we won't be able to see each other every week.
the inlaws are pushing for this as they are keen to have us home and dh is clearly thinking it's an opportunity not to be missed, i feel that i am the only one thinking, i can't do this by myself. i can see that it's a great chance that won't come up again as this head teacher is retiring in june next year.
i'm just so worried about being here by myself and know i'm going to get so lonely. my heart is telling me to ask him to stay and my head is saying i'm being selfish and should make him take it. we obviously don't know how i'll be in the last few month of pregnancy, so what i want is your opinions! do you think it is possible to cope on your own for the last few months or am i just too vulnerable to be on my own?
any advice is so so appreciated, sorry this was so long
That is a difficult situation.
On one hand it is a great opportunity but then again it is impossible to say how you will feel come the end of your pregnancy (you can get v emotional). It could work out great but then again complications can occur and you may really need your dh around. I may not be the best person to give advice as I am due to give birth in 5 days and in the last two months I have had complicationis and ended up in hospital for two long stays. I am just thinking that should you be unfortunate for this to happen to you then you would really need dh and these are things that you need to take into account just in case and have a plan in place if you were on your own.
But you cant live your life on what ifs either. Its very hard to say how you will feel come the end of your pregnancy. Would it be possible for you to give the situation a go and if it wasnt working out the just join dh? Or could you just not afford to take the hit financially? And if fil has contacts can you not just sit tight and hope he finds something nearer the time.
God I am no help really. I think if you are having major doubts at this point then you should sit down with dh and really look at all your options.
I will be honest and say I wouldn't be brave enough to do it and if you are fair play to you.
Best of luck with whatever you do
Basically, I wouldn't worry about attending ante-natal classes or hospital appointments on your own. I did the hospital apps solo, and the ante-natal is not that big a deal IMO. However, I was the first of my friends to be pregnant and found it very isolating and a bit lonely. No one really gets it, and no one, other than your DH, is as interested as you.
For the middle of the night panics/worries/twinges that you need to share, for the moments you need someone to yell at because there is no chocolate and you NEED some and for the moments you have irrational fears about the baby/parenthood/loss of freedom, I'd say no. I wouldn't have been happy to be without my DH, especially on my first pregnancy.
Best of luck with this tough decision, and with the rest of your pregnancy
Wrote a big reply and it got deleted
You are 19 weeks now so say you start mat at 37 weeks you're looking at a period of 18 weeks roughly. They could be great and you could have one of those 'blooming' pregnancies or it could be hard. I suppose you need to look to the future and if your DH takes this job will it give him a good chance of continued work in the school and be a foot in the door for next year?
Do you plan to have the baby in Scotland or move home lock stock beforehand? If things are bad at the end can you get signed off on medical grounds and maybe come home early? There will will mid-term and christmas and bank holidays.
I suppose I'm just trying to make it seem not so bad really. I was made redundant last year and the stress of not having a job can be huge and with a brand new baba aswell that's not easy. Also I think a lot of men can be sort of conditioned to provide for their families and while this isn't a permanent job it's a good chunk of time. How much work would he be likely to get if he gives up this opportunity?
I'd probably get him to take it with an eye firmly on the long term and the bigger picture. Not saying I wouldn't be scared......
Wow that's a really difficult situation - I really don't envy you
I think you have to weigh up the pros and cons. Would you be coming home to have the baby or be having it over there? Would your OH be with you at the very end?
I spent 4 months of my first pregnancy living alone while hubby was on other side of country working. We did see each other once a week and while we missed each other we managed just fine. Though your situation would be a lot tougher it is possible. I wouldn't worry about going to check ups and that on your own, most people end up going to those on their own anyway.
The job your OH has been offered is maternity leave so i imagine next yr he'll be looking for work again anyway. My hubby is a teacher and tbh the situation is pretty dire over here at the moment. He has had nothing but subbing for over a year and has only had 2 interviews this summer. There is absolutely nothing around and everything that is advertised is wrapped up. V depressing situation.
Just had a thought - could you go on maternity early? Seeing as you are going to hand in your notice anyway when you go back to work could you say take mat leave from 30/32 weeks and just hop back over to Scotland when baba is 4 instead of 6 months for the couple of weeks?
As MrsClooney said things are tough in teaching at the moment and as ye both trained abroad this would be a chance for you DH to make connections for himself
thanks so much for all your replies. we were supposed to give an answer tonight and after all the debating and arguing, we're not much further on. dh went out for a walk to clear his head and is just back. i think we will just end up accepting it. i dont feel i want him to, but i also don't want to be making the decision by myself. i think he's wanting a guarantee from me that i'm not going to hold this against him and i've said i don't know how i'll be in a few months after being on my own and feeling lonely, vulnerable abandoned etc. we were planning to move home around christmas time anyway and i wanted to have the baby at home, so baby a few months here on my own isn't that much a big deal, i don't know.
fil has implied that this may be the only good opportunity this friend can provide and has even hinted that it may lead to a permanent post, so maybe it is too good to pass.
hope we come to a decison soon, i wish someone would make it for me
thanks again, i'll let you know xx
If you're going to be home at Christmas anyway then you will have the end with DH. Whatever you decide I think your DH is right you need to make peace with your decision and have a positive attitude or otherwise things will just be harder for both of you
I think to be honest it will of course be tougher to be by yourself than to have your husband with you. Maybe you should just look on this as a sacrifice you are making for your child - it kind of behoves a parent to try their best to ensure that their baby isn't born into a situation where neither parent is employed.
Try to remember that ye are doing this for your child, not for your husband so don't hold it against him. He will be missing out on being with you too and all the excitement of pregnancy.
Could your Mum or sister come out to you for a while?
Knowing the teaching world the situation is very depressing at the moment. Jobs are very hard to come by. If your DH has got a maternity leave that will bring him until the end of year or close to it and someone is retiring in the same school ,coupled with him being a male, he has a good chance though not guaranteed of getting a permanent job or something long term. Work wise it is a great opportunity and most people would jump at it.
Now the issue of you. I can imagine that you would want your DH with you. If I was in your situation so would I. That's not being selfish that's reality. But if you could work it it might set you up here for life. When is he starting this job? If you are thinking of coming home at christmas anyway there are fifteen weeks between start of school year and then with a week off at midterm. That's fourteen weeks. Could you take early maternity leave or get off a couple weeks sick . That would knock off another couple of weeks. Really don't envy you in your decision. Best of luck with it all