For the majority of people, giving a speech isn’t easy. And writing it isn’t much fun either. If you have the coveted role of best man for your friend’s wedding however, you are required to write and deliver a decent best man speech that is light, funny, endearing, evocative and insightful. But while you’re brainstorming up embarrassing stories from the groom’s youth, or potentially controversial anecdotes about the bride’s love life, we’ll have to halt you and ask – have you the right tone for the day? To make sure you do, we have a few jokes that while are a little bit naff (and naff is perfectly acceptable) won’t offend and may even get a little giggle from your audience.
By Karen Birney
View our 12 Tips for Writing a Best Man Speech
Jokes for the best man’s speech
Opening Jokes/One Liners
‘If anyone can see any reason how I can still get out of giving this speech, speak now or forever hold your peace…’
‘Brevity, as I explain on page 72 of my speech, is indeed the soul of wit.’
"Let me start off by saying the bridesmaids look lovely today and only rightly outshone by the bride" [Applause] “Now, that’s the niceties over with…!"
“On behalf of the bride and groom, I’d like to thank everyone for coming here today. Some of you have travelled considerable distances in order to be here and celebrate Mark and Paula’s happy day. Africa, Continental Europe, the Americas and Asia are not actually places where anyone has travelled from, but I hear that Uncle Jim and Auntie Morag had a three hour drive from Louth, so cheers to them.”
Absent friends/family
‘Sadly, Aunt Mary cannot be with us today. But if he/she were here, I know exactly what they’d say: “Great dress Paula, but €300 for some fancy paper serviettes? ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?”’
Jokes about groom
‘Tall, handsome, sensitive, intelligent, funny, brave, musical and athletic. I am all these things — so why on earth did Paula have to go and marry Mark?’
‘It’s not that Mark is a particular bad cook, but the cockroaches in the kitchen have just asked for a suggestion box…’
‘That’s funny. I thought Mark said he was going to wait til after he was married before he really let himself go.’
‘Mark likes to really unwind on holiday, but I hope he won’t get too relaxed on his honeymoon with Jill. I know, from all the rugby tours I’ve been on with him, that his idea of “relaxing” is not having to get out of the bath to pee.’
‘Mark is so football-mad that it took us weeks to persuade him not to have the wedding list at the Arsenal gift shop. [Pause] We were particularly against the idea as we’d already spent a weekend there on the stag do…’
‘Paula has done a fine job of turning Mark from a scruffy, unreliable couch potato into a decent loving adult male human being. Her theory is that men are like wines. They start off as grapes, and it’s our job to stomp on them a bit, then keep them in the dark until they mature. And hopefully they’ll end up turning into something halfway palatable that you wouldn’t mind having dinner with.’
Joke about lengthy engagement
‘Mark and Paula have been engaged for so long that I shall now read the following congratulatory telemessage from the Queen…’
Congratulating bride on planning a great day
"Linda’s been the driving factor when it came to planning this wedding, and Linda, it was perfect! All your hard work paid off, and I must say I’m honoured to be part of the only five minutes that you didn’t get to plan!"
Jokes about the couple
“Look at them sitting there. If they were any happier we’d have to throw a net over them. And just look at that contented smile on Mark’s face. It’s that same look I’d see when I’d find him late at night in the kitchen finishing off the chocolate cake… or just having won a poker hand with a pair of threes. Until we met Paula, we thought you were bluffing, Mark. But you really are holding aces. Paula, he didn’t tell you that he was a diplomat or an oil magnate or some such thing, did he? Good, good, just checking.”
Concluding jokes
"And finally: Confucius, the Chinese philosopher, says something very profound about the secret essence of a truly happy and harmonious marriage. But it was in Chinese, unfortunately, so I never quite got it. Instead, let me simply ask you to be upstanding as we toast…"
Main image by Pawel Bebenca
