As tradition has it, it’s generally the man that gets down on one knee and pops the ever important question – ‘will you marry me?’. But nowadays when women are every bit the equal in their relationship, who is to say the woman shouldn’t take the plunge and ask her man to commit? Author of Not Lost, Sarah Maria Griffin was of this way of thinking and did just that. Here she chronicles why she took the lead asking her then boyfriend to marry her and explains why other women shouldn’t be afraid of taking a leaf out of her book…
Sarah’s Story:
Sarah Maria Griffin
People still make the surprised face when I say I proposed to my boyfriend. It didn’t feel like some big achievement. It was obvious. He’s the coolest, best person I ever met, and I wanted to continue my life with him. Since this happened, a lot of other women I’ve met have said things like oh, I wish I had the courage to do that or oh, I’d never be brave enough to do that, I’ve been waiting for him to ask for years – and other various combinations of these sentiments. Here are some of the things I’ve told them:
Proposing to your boyfriend isn’t about being tired of waiting for him to ask. It’s about not being able to wait to ask him. It’s also not necessarily about feminism or defeating traditional relationship roles. I am pretty open about feminism underscoring how I live in the world, but when it comes to looking into the face of the person you love and asking them to commit to you, it’s not about anybody or anything but your relationship. Sure, it can be analyzed as a feminist move. Grand so. Nothing wrong with that. But the motivation here is love, not politics.
I mean, you certainly are still doing something unusual taking the lead with proposing and absolutely everyone will be surprised – some people even a little judgemental, maybe catty – but the main thing to keep in mind is that this act, asking someone to be your partner, permanently, isn’t about anyone else. This is for you, not your friends, peers, even necessarily the rest of your family. It is for you, and him. Ultimately, when the confetti is swept up and real life continues it’s just going to be the both of you, so real talk: if there is a big question in your heart that you need to ask him, don’t worry about what other people will think.
If you’re actively considering it and eyeballing gorgeous mens rings on Etsy, and the doubts that you have are nothing to do with your partner and kind of wondering what his face would look like if you asked him and it all feels kind of exciting – you’re already 90% there. Like, you already want to marry the guy. That’s a lot, you know.
Immediately please stop asking yourself why he hasn’t asked you yet, or why ‘should’ you have to ask him if he hasn’t asked you yet. Take initiative. Marriage is about teamwork – as are all good relationships. So tag in.
It goes without saying that you should be pretty sure that he’s going to say yes. Like, you really should be sure he’s going to say yes. I mean, he wouldn’t ask you if he didn’t know you were going to say yes, right? Certainty in your relationship isn’t normally a sudden discovery. Like, why would you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who isn’t on your team already? Certainty is a silent, growing warmth. Doubt is ugly and icy. You already know the difference between the two.
Another thing is, it doesn’t have to be everyone’s business. Like, secrets are really cool too. When I proposed to CB, my husband, we didn’t put it on social media for over a month. (When we got married we waited six months to tell anyone too, but that’s a different story.)
Think about Tetris. Proposing is like Tetris. Actually, marriage is also like Tetris. If you don’t know what Tetris is, Google it this minute then come back.
Right. In Tetris, as you know, there are all these random geometric blocks that fall down from the top of the screen, and it’s your job to arrange them in such a way that they connect together into a line of ten blocks across with no gaps. When you manage this, a little noise happens and the blocks disappear and it’s really satisfying for a moment but man, the blocks just keep coming, so you gotta keep turning them. This is how it works.
Proposing is like Tetris. It doesn’t matter if you’re the girl proposing to the dude, vice versa, or anywhere on the wide and gorgeous spectrum of gender combinations that love occurs in. There’s a load of blocks – all the blocks are big weird questions and worries like, what if everyone thinks I’m mental or needy for asking him (protip: neediness is a myth, everyone has needs that should be met) or oh no what’ll my Ma/Da/The Local Priest think or what if he thinks I’m emasculating him or whatever (protip: if he thinks this, he is ridiculous and needs to get over himself). And you put all the blocks together. You turn them around through conversations with your partner, through examining your present situation, through taking a good hard look at yourself and asking yourself if this is the journey you want to go on. Most importantly – are you having fun?
And all the blocks will lock into a line and disappear – and you’ll ask him. Or you won’t. But no matter what I say here, you already know whether you will or you won’t. If the blocks are shaped like, bigger, uglier questions, or gripping doubt about loyalty or trust – then we’re not really playing the same game here. Those are the blocks that mean you should take more time. But if all you’re worried about is what people will think of you for doing it, or if you’re breaking some holy tradition, come on girl. You might just give him the best surprise he ever had.
Sarah Maria Griffin is an Irish emigrant living in San Francisco with a handsome boy and a cat called Moriarty. She writes essays and poems for lots of places and sometimes does things on the radio. Her first book of poetry & prose, Follies, was published by Lapwing Press in 2011. She makes zines under the imprint Wordfury and is co-editor of Bare Hands International Poetry Journal. NOT LOST (New Island) is out now, and tells one girl’s story of surviving emigration. She tweets from @griffski
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