Upset with Mom & Sis (long)

No steam - just upset and need to write it out to see if I'm being a total prat. Background - we're overseas at the moment and we let our family use our apartment now and then so it looks occupied and used, even if it is irregular. Last November before she came over to visit us here for a long weekend (Fri to Mon), my sister stayed in our apartment. Hubby's brother stayed there on the Sunday night of that weekend. He phoned hubby on the Monday wondering what was going on in our apartment as it had been left in a mess - beds not made, clothes on the floor, rubbish not put out and dishes left out. We obviously got very upset that it would be left so badly but I decided to wait for a few days before I said anything as I was afraid that I would just blow it out of all proportion. So I waited til I was calm and said to my sis that BIL had been a bit shocked to see it left the way it was. She completely lost it and was effing and blinding and wanted BIL phone number so she could give him a piece of her mind. Topped it off with "I'm never staying there again!". I ended up in tears again, but decided to let it go as best I could and get on with it as it really wasn't worth falling out over. Until I spoke to my Mom last night. However it came up, she mentioned that she would never use our apartment either cos she was afraid that she wouldn't leave it right and BIL would tell tales!!! This comment left me speechless. BIL knows how we keep our apartment and respects that - he nearly leaves it cleaner than I leave it after he stays there!! He was worried about the apartment being messy so he phoned to make sure everything was OK - he was not telling tales. Also, my mother would always leave a place as she found it and would never leave a mess of any description. So I asked my Mom what she would have done if she had walked into my apartment and found it messy. She said she wouldn't have stayed there (not a proper answer I don't think). So I rephrased it and asked her again that if she had planned to stay there and had walked in to find a mess, what would she have done. She wouldn't answer me! So I answered it for her cos I know what she would do - she would phone me to see what was going on and to make sure everything was OK. I just can't believe how this has turned out. I don't think I'm the bad guy in this, I didn't shout and scream and throw a tantrum at my sister, I didn't point fingers and accuse, I spoke calmly and tried to talk it out with her. I really feel like my Mom and sis have decided that I'm being a right b!tch and have decided to punish me by never staying there. Am I overreacting? Am I a b!tch for wanting to look after our place while we're away? Was BIL telling tales? Girls, I'm so upset about this, hubby doesn't know what to do with me. I'm just so shocked at my mother! If it was her house left in a mess there'd be war, why am I not alowed to be upset? Why should I be made to feel like the bad guy here? OK, sorry this is long but I needed to mak it clear - for me and for you reading it. Opinions ladies - what do ye think?

I understand where you are coming from. I think your sis is feeling guilty but refusing to acknowledge it. Your BIL did the right thing in phoning you - I imagine your sis and mother would have done the same if the situation was reversed.

thats terrible and of course would tell you if he had left it in a state, I think she is just feeling guilty and is lashing out - maybe she is mortified that he said it? you did nothing wrong, leave it awhile and if your with sis (not over the phone) maybe bring it up and see?

Ah chick you did nothing wrong. I agree with OP your sister is probably mortified that BIL rang you and she didn't get a chance to mention it to you. Maybe something came up as she was leaving and she didn't get a chance to tidy etc? Mother is probably just trying to be peacemaker and not commit either way to who is right or wrong. Your sister has no right to throw a tantrum at you though, especially when its your apartment they are all making use out of. Don't let it get you down, will all probably blow over in few days.

can i be the devil's advocate here? you said your BIL is a very tidy person, would his idea of messy really be messy?? you didn't see it yourself... You seem to be getting very worked up when you really shouldn't. seriously, don't mean to offend, but whats the big deal? From now on tell everyone who stays at the apartment that the agreement is, it's left clean before they leave. Just chillax!

I know it seems like I'm getting really upset for very little...maybe I am...but I'm so hurt by the whole situation and really do feel like I'm being labelled the bad guy. Appeltizer - BIL is notoriously messy! But respects our place enough to leave it as clean as we do. My sis is also a messy person. My mother always stay neutral, and is always the voice of reason. Until now! That's I suppose what has shocked me the most. I should also add that neither of them have called me since this whole thing blew up. I've been the one to initiate all calls. And when we arrived home to the apartment in February, there were bowls of sweets left uncovered on the table for every bug and their family to invade. Left by my sister in November.

I think your sister feels a little caught out and is on the defensive. In fairness, she probaby intended to clean it as soon as she got back. Perhaps she overslept and rushed out the door. Either way, she fells exposed now. I know you are upset but I think she probably is too. Try to patch things up...maybe even laugh about it.

I thinkl your sister sounds like a lazy, jealous b1tch . Sounds to me like on the one hand she was taking advantage of your apartment, for whatever reason she doesn't respect your possessions (maybe she is jealous /resentful). Then when she was called up on her actions, she over reacted and over-compensated, rather than apologising she tried to paint you as the black sheep. Your sister is probably throwing a hissy fit and getting 'all upset' and your mother is probably agreeing with her to keep the peace. They all probably resent your BIL for catching them out behaving so badly and the easiest thing to do is point the finger and make out that he and you are over-reating and this is all your fault rather than accepting that leaving the place messy was out of order. Hold your head up high, tell them both that you are embarrassed by how they are acting and you thought they would bhoth have better manners and would understand how anyone would react the way your BIL did and give the two of them the cold shoulder for a while.

I have to say that I agree with Delish.... You need to step back now and stop running after them and trying to make contact. You did nothing wrong and as hard as it will be, I think you need to let them get on with it for a while.

Y'know Delish, I think you have hit the nail on the head. Sis doesn't even really respect her own things, not to mind anyone elses. And I know for a fact that she went straight to my Mom b!tching about me after I tried to speak to her about the mess in the apartment. I'm just surprised really. I'm not bringing it up with either of them ever again though. I don't want to go through it all again. Head up, plod on, happy that we have such a great place and I have the best husband in the world Thanks ladies, for listening to me (and mostly for not telling me I'm a silly overreacting mare)