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Relationship help needed.....what should I do?

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Sad and confused
New Wolly
 
Posts: 15

Re: Relationship help needed.....what should I do?

Postby Sad and confused » Tue Sep 04, 2018 12:31 pm

Hi there. Sorry, I haven't been on here in a while. Things are just going from bad to worse really and are getting nasty between us as it's now coming down to money. Also, I bumped into the two of them again a few days ago, having a little sneaky lunch together (hiding away from their colleagues too) and despite that, he still tells me 'they are just good friends'. He also told me that splitting up is not what he wants. I can't understand any of this as he has done nothing to try and fix anything or even explain himself yet he says that to me. I asked her if it bothered her that he was married and what she was doing was disgusting but she just made a face at me and walked away.

We don't live in Ireland so he is apparently moving back there at the end of this month. This is what he told me 3 weeks ago but I have no idea if that has changed and/or where he is currently living. He still hasn't even acknowledged or admitted what he has done, never mind apologise to me for all of the pain and hurt he has caused me. Yet he still has time to spend with her....'his good friend'.

So, today, I am angry! >:o( >:o( >:o( >:o(

CasualBride
Major Wolly
 
Posts: 570

Re: Relationship help needed.....what should I do?

Postby CasualBride » Wed Sep 05, 2018 2:24 pm

Ah stop!! It sounds like he's getting away with murder - not being accountable to anyone, basically telling you he wants you to wait until he's ready to come back and having cosy tete-a-tetes with herself in the meantime. FFS. You must be fuming. That's so selfish. Like, unbelievably selfish. I'm sorry to say this but it sounds like he knows he can get away with treating you like you're not very important, like he thinks you'll always be there, patiently waiting, whenever he deigns to go back to his normal life once he's had a bit of excitement.

How are you feeling about the relationship, never mind what he wants, what do YOU want at this stage?

Sad and confused
New Wolly
 
Posts: 15

Re: Relationship help needed.....what should I do?

Postby Sad and confused » Mon Sep 10, 2018 8:49 am

Thanks @casualbride...I sometimes feel like I am in the twilight zone as he's behaving in such a strange way....it's like he thinks I am the one that did something wrong. He basically wants me to stop mentioning anything about his affair or his lies or his continued relationship with her. He wants me to pay half of the costs that he is incurring as I 'made him homeless'....I know she was in our car and they went for a trip and I literally cannot understand why he thinks I will pay for petrol for the car, when that is what he is doing? And I don't know if she is staying with him, so again, why would I pay for his/their accommodation?

I have lost all respect and affection for him...even if he did come back begging (not that he will as he seems determined to break me), I could never trust him again and I can't even look at him at this point. We are due to meet this week to discuss our ongoing finances and he's already told me that if I discuss anything else, then he will leave. Ie. I cannot mention his affair, his lies, the fact that is continuing to cheat on me and that he has broken my heart. I really don't know where he gets off thinking he can tell me what I can or can't say.

I am really trying to focus on the present and not look too much at the past or future as that is a little overwhelming for me right now.

CasualBride
Major Wolly
 
Posts: 570

Re: Relationship help needed.....what should I do?

Postby CasualBride » Tue Sep 11, 2018 12:10 pm

Jesus, he's got some neck, hasn't he.
I can totally understand you feeling overwhelmed at the notion of having to think of anything but the immediate present but from an outsider's point of view, his behaviour is outrageous and I would be thinking that it's about time you contacted a solicitor - it really sounds to me (someone who knows nothing about either of you or your relationship together) like he thinks he can domineer you and get you to do anything he wants, and in my opinion, the best comeuppance for someone like that is to prove to them that they had you all wrong. The biggest kick in the arse is needed here; how dare he expect you to fork out money for him when he's the one acting underhandedly and literally breaking his marriage contract with you?
I have 2 friends who were with domineering men, even though they didn't act particularly nastily when they were married, as soon as they walked out the door, the nasty comments began about how if the women didn't go along with everything they suggested (about maintenance / custody / bills / splitting up assets etc) then they'd fight to get ownership of the home or other similar threats involving children and money.
That is total and utter bullcrap and the sooner you go to a solicitor to announce that you've separated, the better. Get things done legally and officially so that you are both 100% clear on where you stand.

It's funny how a guilty conscience can make these men turn into total a**holes; my friend has experienced the exact same attitude; he had an affair but yet treats my friend like she's dirt on his shoe. I can only assume that arrogance comes into play - they can't admit that they screwed up, so instead they try to manipulate the situation and convince themselves that their wives are at fault.

I really hope you get some strength out of his bad attitude, and that you abandon Mrs. Nice Woman for a while - he's already done something unforgivable to you, don't let him do any more damage by insulting your intelligence now; manipulating you into agreeing to anything that suits him. >:o(

cillcakes
Mini Wolly
 
Posts: 175

Re: Relationship help needed.....what should I do?

Postby cillcakes » Wed Sep 19, 2018 8:27 pm

Hey
Sorry to hear all that .it's awful I can't add anything more to what previous post said i agree. Did he move back?
Hope your doing ok
X

Sad and confused
New Wolly
 
Posts: 15

Re: Relationship help needed.....what should I do?

Postby Sad and confused » Mon Sep 24, 2018 2:30 pm

Hi ladies. Firstly, I just wanted to say thanks for taking the time to respond and check in with me.... it must be a strange feeling listening to someone else talk about their marriage failing, when this is such a happy time for you so I appreciate it.

He is due to leave at the end of this week. He won't tell me exactly when but I guess by Sunday he will be gone. I really don't know how I feel about it...on one hand, I am glad that I won't bump into him anymore but on the other, it feels like there is no going back. The amazing life that we moved over here for has ended up being a disaster for us and I wish with all my heart it wasn't the case.

I saw him last week to discuss finances and his 'suggestion' was completely unfair to me so I've told him that I don't agree with it so I'll see what he says.

I think I am still in shock...... I just can't believe this has happened. I went home a couple of weeks ago and when I opened the front door, the apartment was in darkness and I said to myself, "Oh X isn't home yet"...and then I remembered :o(

I've been to see a solicitor just to get some guidance so that has made some things clearer for me.

One of you said a while ago that you hope I will flourish without him and that has really stuck with me. I can't say I am flourishing right now but it's a constant little thought in the back of my mind.

John Walsh Guitar
CasualBride
Major Wolly
 
Posts: 570

Re: Relationship help needed.....what should I do?

Postby CasualBride » Tue Sep 25, 2018 10:42 am

Good on you, at least you're in some way focusing on your own future / growth, even if it's only in the back of your mind, it's better than not being there at all - that is a really strong-minded attitude whether you realise it or not. Fair play to you.
And really well done for seeing a solicitor - I know a girl who's been separated since January, her ex is the one who walked out but is also the one calling all the shots and no matter how many times we've advised her to talk to a solicitor, she still hasn't. I'm sure she has her reasons but I'm just saying it to reiterate to you that you really are being very strong and proactive, and it's great to hear that you're not going to just let his bad behaviour destroy your life.

I can well understand why you'd still think of him when you walk in the door at home, and of course that'll take ages to fade away, I'm sure he's the first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning but it will fade away in its own time, there's no point in trying to deny it all or force yourself to not think about him either, it's your own mind and your own time, so do whatever comes naturally and let yourself stew for an evening if that's what you feel you need to do, it really sounds like you're holding your own and I'm delighted to hear it.
I am quite the feminist and tbh I'm SOOO sick of hearing about mens' bad behaviour that I'm just really rooting for you! I know women can behave badly too, but I'm just hearing so much about men and their sh1te that I just can't cope!! >:o(

And lastly, you're more than welcome for the support; and please don't think that just cos some of us are married more recently that we don't also have crap in our relationships! I have been with my partner for 10 years and married for 2, so it's not as if we're all hearts and roses just because we made it official relatively recently. It's tough going at times and I think it's so important that we all listen to and support each other because I know from my own friendship groups, some girls don't feel comfortable talking to their friends about their marriage problems and at least here, you can vent a bit and still remain anonymous.
You're certainly welcome by me to post or message anytime you want to get things off your chest x

cillcakes
Mini Wolly
 
Posts: 175

Re: Relationship help needed.....what should I do?

Postby cillcakes » Tue Oct 16, 2018 7:17 pm

Hey
How are you keeping ? How are things going for you now ? Did he leave in the end ?
Ofcourse your welcome to post here . I hope your doing ok hun x

Sad and confused
New Wolly
 
Posts: 15

Re: Relationship help needed.....what should I do?

Postby Sad and confused » Tue Oct 23, 2018 3:14 pm

Hello there. Thanks for checking in on me. Yes, he left at the end of last month apparently. I say that as I don't know for sure. I bumped into him on the street, on the Friday before and he wouldn't even stop to speak to me...he just snarled 'no' when I asked if he would talk to me. He is unbelievably angry with me and I don't understand it. I wasn't the one that had an affair or ruined our marriage/life yet, he can't even treat me like a human being, let alone the woman that he has spent the past 14 years with and who he married. He is refusing to pay anything towards our mortgage (we bought our new place a year ago last week...I have no idea how we ended up here :o( ) and incredibly, he won't give me back our car and it's either sitting in a car park somewhere or a friends place. It's just mind boggling to me that this is how he is behaving. I keep thinking that he is madly in love with her because he is acting in a way that is so unlike him and he risked so much....for what? He's moved out of the country and she's still here....is she planning to join him? Not knowing why he did what he did is so upsetting and frustrating. He absolutely refuses to explain any of it. I need to come to terms with the fact that I will never get any explanation or apology off him.

Thankfully, I have a really great bunch of friends, here and in Ireland and they are like a tag team, making sure I have company if I want it, calling me, texting me, coming over to visit me etc. Someone said to me that it's a reflection of the type of person I am that I have this bunch of great people keeping me breathing and going to so much effort to visit me etc but all I can think is...If I was such a good and caring person, how did I miss that my husband was unhappy? Why didn't I try harder or do something different? I have no idea what that is as I really feel like I tried everything I could think of and he wouldn't tell me what was going on with him (even a few days before I found out, we were still being a 'normal' couple and he told me that he loved me and that he knew I loved him). I am so confused and it is making me so upset that this heartbreak could have been avoided. :weep :weep

Thanks again @cillcakes...... I saw that your band has been double booked so I really hope you get sorted quickly. :thnk

cillcakes
Mini Wolly
 
Posts: 175

Re: Relationship help needed.....what should I do?

Postby cillcakes » Tue Oct 23, 2018 5:35 pm

Good to hear from you hun! Roll on 2019 for you what a crazy year you had . Xx
I think it's very hard to get your head around it as you said you only bought a property this time last year !!! Never thinking for a second what the year would bring! Anyone would be shocked with that & things he done & said then before he left like saying he loves you .it's all very hard to balance that with the ugly side of things .
You can't and stop thinking this is in some way your fault that this has happened .I know that's prob a natural thought process but you tried so much & he knows you love him so you can never question yourself there .you tried more maybe then others would .I know you had been together 14 years & that's such a long time .similar to mine .but sometimes people just change!
This is his own issues & thoughts.i really don't think it's something you did or said or didn't . Just whatever is going on with him .
However !!! Life works in weird ways and maybe in the long run this is best for you .he sounds like a right p*ick ! U deserve so much better than to be treated like dirt ! So many men would kill to have someone who cares like you did .
U need to sort out mortgage that's CRAZY !! And your car ..dont let him control you anymore .cheek of it .let someone else deal with his moods .Good luck to him .
Just keep talking to your friends & u will get there!

Ye hun thanks :) band put us in day before .mmm.i would still be none the wiser only we made contact about starting time .anyway got sorted xx worse things that can happen .I was just moany:) X

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